Motivation. Motivation + exhaustion. Motivation + exhaustion + doubt.
I know this is hard on more than just myself. I see the effects my choices have on those around me. I realize my absence and my lack of patience. I hear myself say “I can’t right now” more than simply “yes”. I am pushing my old life further and further away from me to make room for this new one that I am inadvertently shoving the wrong things accidentally along the way.
Balance is always key, balance in mind body and spirit. But when you’re thick amongst the chaos and the clatter of the battle you feel you are fighting, balance is only what you can perceive it to be. And sometimes, even when you think you are walking the rope perfectly, wobbling only slightly and you have conquered the fears and are heading towards the other side, someone tells you to look down and you are so confronted by your fear of falling and failing, that you lose your footing and clamor for a better grasp.
Walking that tightrope is what I do. I’m good at what I’m doing, but I am also horribly bad at it too. And it’s not me that is seeing my feet slip and my legs shake and my entire body tensely moving without assured grace…..nope. Everyone else is pointing at it now while I look straight ahead at the end. Everyone else is witness to my brazen and sometimes false bravado as I move towards the other platform of my life.
…..and now, I just looked down. I just looked down to see it all, my fears, my unsteadiness, my own weakness, my own self doubt and I have slipped. Whether or not the faults shown to me were real, whether or not they were manifestations of another person’s own insecurity or truly mine, it’s effected me either way.
Clinging to this rope now and attempting to get back on it is exhausting and part of me wants to let go and feel the sweet release of falling and the safety of the ground. Part of me doesn’t want to pull forth the strength to hoist myself back onto that high, scary rope…..
Except that I can’t stop looking at that platform, it means everything. It justifies every moment of hardwork it took to get here to this day, to this rope, to this decision of motivation + exhaustion + doubt.